There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
