why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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