I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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