Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize