Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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