i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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