Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
