mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
