For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
