he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
