she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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