I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
