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Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
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