he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
