im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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