this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
