I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A bitchslap is in order.
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