I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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