the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
