Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
