Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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