i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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