imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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