Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
