Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
