I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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