i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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