the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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