It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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