God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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