Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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