I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So gin and wine won't be happening again
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
