Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
