OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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