The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
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My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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