I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
