i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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