Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
