I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
