I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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