One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
