i think my mom watched the whole time
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
