That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
