sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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