I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
