The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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