the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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