It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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