I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Swine flu is the new snow day.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Randomize
