A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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