So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
