she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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