I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
