I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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