he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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