At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
